Friday, June 29, 2007

Like Taking Altoids from a Dead Woman

Last week, I helped a professor clean out the personal belongings of a much-loved opera diva who recently passed away. We took dozens of baskets and stacked them up, cleaned off all the shelves, packed up the photo albums, and recycled all the papers. We dusted off the picture frames, and taped up boxes to be sent to the singer's family. I emptied the desk of its paper clips, keys that don't unlock anything, and piles of letterhead, and there among the junk was a beautiful practically-new box of Altoids. Which I promptly stuck into my pocket at a moment when the professor I was helping would not notice. Is that wrong? It feels a little creepy, but was Ms. Opera Diva going to need them now? Not unless there's a need for fresh breath in the afterlife. I wasn't about to let good things go to waste. But I can picture the scenario where I'm not just in her studio, but at her funeral, and there amongst the casket belongings are some minty-fresh treats. And I just reach in.
I guess the point of the story is: I've been enjoying the mints of a dead woman, and my breath has never been fresher.

(Click on the photo for a bigger version with more detail.)

Monday, June 25, 2007

Postage Goes Up

Postage recently went up. Again. It's gonna cost me seven hundred dollars to mail this envelope. Maybe I should send an e-card instead. One with a talking cat. Yeah, that cat's funny.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Country-Club Loser Grafitti

I spotted some grafitti in the Music Building bathroom today which I had never seen before. It wasn't very kind to one of my professors.
It read:
"---- (name omitted) is a country-club loser wannabe and a closeted homosexual".
Underneath this, grafitti also read "Toilet Henge" and "For the Turd Time" so I'm thinking that that the allegations toward my professor are not very reputable.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Jewelry Whore

I thought this one could use a little color. You know when you go to a craft fair, and everyone's selling their goods, they've got their best products on display, with their bright lipsticks on and their cash in hand, ready and eager to please a willing customer...well, you know, it's just like this. Oh, wait, that's not a craft fair at all. That's a red light district. Or is it? If only the twain shall meet. There would be a sign on the table that reads something like this one. I can picture a low, smoky, gravel-filled voice saying "You want sumpin' pretty for your girlfriend, sweetheart? Or you want someone pretty for yourself? Heh heh. (Cough, cough.)"

And yes, I know that feet don't point like that in real life. I'm just illustrating a point, okay? Doesn't that eyeshadow just turn you on?

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Lead Paint Chips

My landlady told me the other day that my new apartment has lead paint in it, which has been covered over by non-lead paint. Not a huge concern of mine, considering it could have asbestos in it instead, or growing mold from within. However, she made it a point to state it as thus:
"The walls have lead paint on them. So don't chip off the paint and then eat it. I'm serious."

This makes me wonder if she's had problems with this sort of thing in the past.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Belt Buckle Collage for the Blind!

I was in a creative mood lately and I worked on some new small pieces which I think are pretty fun. This one in particular is neato because the sparkly part on the collage is an old belt buckle of mine which I inset into the cardboard backing of the collage. For all of you blind blog-readers* out there, this piece is for you: it's all about texture. I don't know what you could interpret from the texture other than 'wrinkles', 'belt buckle', and perhaps 'sea creatures', but it does have embossed paper and rhinestones, corrogated paper on the bottom (fun ways to reuse packing materials!) and then an image of feathers which I have abstracted on top. I think it could look nice in a black frame, too, should I ever want to frame it. And should I ever find myself with an emergency saggy-pants situation, I can always remove the belt buckle.

*I had no idea until this second that there is internet for the blind, either in speakable websites, or braille-downloaded text. I feel bad for the blind who would have to listen to the entire front page of only to find the article heading they want. On the plus side, perhaps someone blind is reading this website right now! That would be so amazing! If only the text came to you in the sound of my voice. Midnight Shoveler, now in audiovisual interactive! (Perhaps I should just start a podcast.)

I also did these super little collages, from two of Sally's test photos!

Friday, June 08, 2007

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

New from Prevlon, Eyelashes 1000% Longer!

Makeup companies are always boasting their newer, fuller, longer, voluminous lashes. Why not go all out? This new mascara gives you lashes that are so beautiful, so elegant, so je ne sais quoi. Drag queens the world over have already been placing pre-orders. Why not you??

Sunday, June 03, 2007

It's Gettin' Hot in Herrre, So Take Off All Your Bones

I know it's a little early to complain about the heat, but this summer is turning out to be a bit less air-conditioned than I could forsee. Way back in high school, I was the sweaty kid who didn't believe in wearing shorts (knobby knee shyness) and I frequently passed out in public places from heatstroke. Well, now I wear shorts, thank goodness. Or at least mapris.
In college, I worked in a VERY air-conditioned Slide library and art gallery, climate-controlled to perfection. It was almost too chilly. And thus it was wonderful. I could wear pants to work, stand over the vent, and my sweaty, chafing thighs would get a little R&R. However, the moment I stepped outside to buy a sandwich, or rest in my summer dorm room, the wall of boiling heat would hit me. I'd think to myself, I've spent all glorious day cataloging images of the Sistene Chapel, and now that that's done, I want to rip off my epidermis because there's nothing more I can possibly remove to get cooler. Take me back to work! I won't take up much space sleeping underneath the light table.
After graduation, I worked in another gallery, but this time without air conditioning. Hot, yes, but I had 8 hours of continuous MadTV to watch, so that balanced out the radiating heat from the glass-block windows. I also lived in a farmhouse where the quaintness (and a tiny air conditioning unit) distracted me from the hotness.
The gallery I worked at in Boston had air conditioning. Theoretically. It did break one summer, gushing water down to the floor below, which consequently was displaying $5000 vintage advertising posters on its walls. Oops. I also was employed by a man who believed that if you cranked the thermostat all the way down in the middle of the day, the entire building would magically get cool in ten minutes, when a whole horde of wealthy guests were scheduled to arrive for cocktails. Little does he know that one has to start the day off very cold and plan ahead for these things. Instead, all of the wealthy guests would complain to me that it was too hot for them to buy anything, as I demurely stuff more napkins in my armpits to disguise the encroaching black circles on my blue dress shirt. Like a blessing from heaven, I'd return from work to an elaborate tunnel-funnel system of air conditioning in my apartment, which made my bedroom nice and chilly.
All this historical account of air conditioning leads up to this summer in Pittsburgh, where my two places of employment and my apartment are all currently un-air-conditioned. Therefore, it's epidermis-ripping time again. With hope, things will change soon. I think I'm getting an a/c unit next weekend for the apartment. I'm also working in my boss's office for some time during the summer, which is set to a pleasant 73F, unlike the closet we call my office.
However, right here, right now, at the ceramics store, the air conditioner is broken and will not be fixed in the forseeable future. I'm tempted to turn off all the lamps we sell to cut down on the excess heat from 70-watt bulbs. I've been entertaining myself by singing into the oscillating fan (hey-ey-ey my-y voi-oic-e is all chop-op-op-oppy!'), and hearing every customer come in and say 'Wow, it's hot in here!' or just turning right around and walking out the door as fast as they came in. I know that this is only the beginning of summer, and not even official summer yet, so I can expect up to twenty degrees hotter versions of this. Gosh, I have so much to look forward to!
I hear it's lovely in Greenland this time of the year. You know, with the glaciers, and the midnight sun, and not a degree past 55F to speak of (and that's a very hot day). When I return from the Arctic Circle, the leaves will be falling in Pittsburgh, and it will be time for everyone else to complain about the cold. They'll use words like 'bone-chilling', 'crisp', and 'nippy'. But you won't hear any complaints from me.

P.S. Caption for this photo: Christian Bale looks hot too. Courtesy of pajiba.