Let me say in advance: I don't like most children. Until they can color, or talk about music in a 'mini-adult' voice, I think children are pretty useless. And certainly not as cute as everyone thinks. That being said, I babysat this boy for a second time and he is amazing. We'll call him 'One-Liner Kid'. He's five, and Jewish, and has two gay dads, and has a new baby brother adopted from Vietnam who was peacefully sleeping upstairs the whole time I was babysitting. Well, One-Liner was in top form during my babysitting hours. It seems that everything that comes out of his mouth is hilarious, and what seems to be very intelligent to me for a five-year old. The last time I babysat, he offered the gem 'This is a lion, and they live in the Sahara. This is a tiger, and I'm Jewish. Are you Jewish? This is a zebra.'
But this time the one-liners were bouncing left and right.
"The Movie About Me will involve a boy, and lots of abrasions."
"Are you in a rock band? We should be in a rock band and our name will be Really Great Rock Band."
"I wrote to Dwayne to see if I could be in his rock band but he said no."
"How old is Dwayne?" I ask.
"He's 18. He's really tall."
"Look, all the carnivores are sleeping, except for this diplodocus." (We're playing with dinosaurs and all the herbivores are left standing.)
Did I also mention that One-Liner is obsessed with the Phantom of the Opera musical, and getting over his Lion King musical phase? Talk about a kid with two gay dads, but the strange thing is that neither parent really cares that much about musicals. I'm singing a line from the musical to One-Liner:
"The PHAaa-ntom of the Opera is there..."
"Insiiide your mind! I want to be Phantom for Halloween. Do you have a mask?"
We're coloring a book of Spiderman drawings, One-Liner tells me:
"That looks like a herd of dingos".
Clearly the boy knows a lot about animals, from the Paleozoic era onwards.
But my personal favorite occurs when we're playing a computer game, and One-Liner turns to me and says,
"I'm an excellent fry cook."
And he turns back to 'Shrek: The Computer Game', blissfully unaware of his stand-up routine.
I'm certainly amused for a few hours, the dads are happy to get out of the house, and One-Liner gets to entertain. Everyone's happy! And adding to the near-perfect way to make a little extra money, the kid puts himself to bed.