Turkeys Are So Dumb

My sister and I read a true fact during a board game (or should I say Bored Game, 'cause we were down to the dregs of activities) that turkeys are so dumb that they often look up in a rainstorm and drown. Poor guys. I can picture a turkey saying:
"I can't help it...They're so beautiful! Look at these little water thingies on my nose...aaccckggrrgh...chkkck" or perhaps
"I can't bear the thought of Thanksgiving. I'm going to end it all now while I still have my dignity. kkrrcchogjk". And then they just raise their dumb little heads and water rushes into their nostrils. We should teach these turkeys that drowning is so passe, so easy. The only way to go nowadays is with flair. Something along the lines of a crack-indused Post-Soviet mosh pit party in the Ukraine, with Kate Moss and Coolio, and you're the one who accidentally trips on a supermodel and she beats you to death with her high heels. Thank goodness you also remembered to wear your best jewelry when the paparazzi comes to photograph. Except that you don't see the lightbulbs flash, because you're in Heaven with the turkeys.