Armadillo

Jacqueline Bouvier

If Boyfriend and I get a dog, which will probably be never because I mostly hate dogs (okay, with a rare exception), the dog I would like to get is a Bouvier. For one reason only, that I could name her (or him!) Jacqueline. If it's a boy then 'Jack' for short. But boy doggie or girl doggie, that pillbox hat will never leave its elegant head.

The pearls can also double as a dog collar, used for casual strolling, or trots to the neighbors for tea.

Goodbye Stan, Sexually Ambiguous Cockatiel

My childhood pet bird, Stan, died while I was home for the holidays. He was a cockatiel and lived to be 23 years old--probably much longer than most of his colleagues would ever dream of! While he was more like my mother's pet (I never had much emotional attachment, as he was no fun to play with) Stan always lived in the living room, listening to me play piano and squawk when the music got really intense. A few times he squawked so much that I had to take his cage into another room so I could concentrate. But mostly he was pretty inconspicuous. He'd take a flight around the house about once a day, and everyone in the family would duck as he flew around.

Toward the last years of his life, Stan's flying became erratic and he was more like a dive-bombing bird- he'd fly right into a corner of the room, slide down the wall unharmed, and then toddle out on the floor looking around, waiting for someone to come pick his disoriented bird self up and put him back on his cage. The last few months of his life were less flight-bound, mostly shivery and sneezing to himself, a little bird flu.

Around New Years, Stan took one last daring flight and landed behind a heavy bookcase cabinet and my mom and I looked everywhere for him, unable to find him hiding under a chair or in a corner, or perhaps in a potted plant. I finally located him because of his old-age bird-wheezing, and managed to pry the bookcase away from the corner. I've come to think that this was Stan's last flight of honor, wanting to die in peace and quiet, like some animals who find a hiding place to put their heads down to take a final rest. But what do you know, my mom and I had to go make a dramatic Intervention out of it and tell Stan that he still had so much more life to live!

Stan's best quality should have been his mellifluous chirp. Stan was originally bought thinking he'd be a beautiful singing or talking bird, which the male cockatiels are especially good at. We didn't know why he didn't learn to repeat anything we said; he would only hiss loudly like a cat when anyone approached, and did a sort of bark when a car came in the driveway- our very own watchbird. But after owning Stan for twelve years, he laid an egg. Stan was technically a girl. We tried briefly to call her 'Stanette', and use female pronouns, but to no avail--Stan remained Stan. The gender dysphoria and sexless life without a bird companion could have been enough to drive Stan to madness, but he didn't seem to mind.

Stan's faithfulness to our family will always be remembered. Sometimes we'd accidentally leave the door open in the summer, and Stan would never fly out to greet his cardinal and blue jay friends. Thanks for stickin' around as long as you did.

You Dehydrate Me

See, here's the thing...it's never gonna work out between us.

Kangaroo Sousaphone

A friend asked me to draw a kangaroo playing a sousaphone, just for grins. I didn't have the internet at the time so I drew everything from memory...or sort of. An actual kangaroo has a tail in the correct position, and an actual sousaphone doesn't look like it was made by Dr. Seuss. But my version is still very important.

Imposter Squirrel

Someone keeps taking acorns from the front yard, but we can't tell who or what it is--every time he arrives, he's wearing a disguise! He's so sneaky.

Giant Squid Dating Site

Personal Details:
Marital Status: Single
Ethnicity: Giant Squid
Eye Color: Black
Hair Color: I have whitish tentacles, does that count?
Age: 500 (but I might be lying)
Looking for: Soulmate, someone to explore the ocean depths with me for all eternity
Turnons: bright red skin, ocean currents, lacy panties
Turnoffs: Sperm whales, hunting vessels, bright lights, gangsta rap, fish depletion
Any interested mollusks, please come find me, if you can.

Bachelorette Party Giraffe

I drew this on the back of an Eat 'N Park placemat, but it is kind of cute. The giraffe, who is riding in a little red wagon for some reason, is saying, "I'm going to a bachelorette party!"
And the horned lizard pulling the giraffe says, "Dies ist nun kochen!" or something like, "Now we're cookin'!", but in German. Sadly the text doesn't show up on the placemat, but trust me. There's no doubt that that's what they're saying.

Girl With a Squirrel Earring

Everyone's favorite Netherlandish masterpiece. This came up in conversation tonight and I had to make a version of it- I tried to draw a comic of it but a cheap photoshopping does the trick even better, I think. I can imagine the squirrel whispering into her ear (in Renaissance Dutch, of course): "Girl, that Vermeer, he is NUTS."

Ostrich legs

Did you know that ostrich legs bend backwards?
Well, they do. They don't have this many joints, but I bet bending down from the other direction feels like this, and probably sounds like a squeezed accordion.

Simple Elegant Halloween with Drunken Sluts

Part of the joy this holiday season is being able to make oneself sick to one's stomach seeing all of the scantily-clad sluts in Halloween costumes. As Mean Girls proves all too well, you can take any costume and turn it sexy by removing a few of the non-essential items and adding more cleavage, and most essentially, the shortest skirt/shirt/shorts possible. Sexy nurse, coming right up. Sexy firefighter girl, I saw one of those too. Sexy cannibal, well, that's a little trickier, but I saw it done. And it was frightening.
Costumes this season include horny devils, an audio tour of famous artworks, and I was Wikipedia, complete with printed-out entries that would be stuck to my body throughout the night. I found some interesting articles, including the only known photograph of Frederic Chopin, and a 'list' of the two hockey teams in Alberta, Canada (thanks to the 'random article' function). I was surprised to find out that a lot of people don't know what Wikipedia is (or perhaps my costume wasn't clear enough?) but even after I explained that it's a user-editable encyclopedia they don't really get it.
Of course, the best costumes involve the most intricate details, and the winner of intricate details goes to Sally, who was Bjork.
Now there are two people in the world who can pull off wearing a swan dress with glamorous nonchalance.

Hummingbees

I think I saved the day yesterday in the music office after getting a giant bee back outside from its angry home inside the building. I swear that this bee was the biggest bee I've ever seen, and I'm not joking, it was probably 2.5 inches. It looked a lot like this one above, drawn my my friend Amy.
But Amy thinks by my description it looked more like this:


I'd say it was three inches long but maybe that's a bit much. Either way, there were about five people in the office trying to come up with ways to kill it, including a broom with cardstock stuck in it. One of our conductors rigged up a beautiful 'cup on a stick of bamboo' mechanism to trap the little devil. The bee was almost too big to fit into the styrofoam cup! But then no one could figure out how to keep the bee in the cup as it slid over the mouldings of the windows. I suggested sliding some paper under the cup to trap the bee (thanks country living!). Well, obviously that made me the designated bee-trapper. But it was a success! And then there was clapping. And the hummingbee lived to buzz another day.

Springtime Spirit

It's the time of the year where everyone is feeling the Spring. I cleaned my apartment the other day, and wondered why my place looked different than they did in the winter. And then I remembered that there wasn't any plastic on the windows anymore, and the sun is shining in from another angle, and there aren't small salt mines forming in my front doorway from winter boots. The daffodils have bloomed in what seems like two days since they popped their bulbular heads out of the ground, and the magnolia trees are flowering, ready to get it on with those other randy mag's. Springtime squirrels get chatty and try to remember where they hid their nuts. If I lived in Florida, I'm sure that even the alligators would feel the April urges- maybe they'd even want to bake a pie with me.
All this Springtime excitement makes me want to eat lots of chocolate. Perhaps slightly less chocolate than when I was 8, when I ate an entire foot-tall chocolate Easter Bunny and then threw it all up behind a sofa (cue embarrassed child), but a lot of chocolate nonetheless. I think I might go eat some chocolate right now. And you know what would go perfect with some bittersweet morsels? Some cashews. If only I could remember where I buried those nuts.

Captain Vaguetastic

There's something magical about comics. They can transport you to a whole different world. Or at least so says Michael Chabon. And all the inkers at Marvel/DC. But there's also something magical about comic parody, and Captain Vaguetastic is here to transport you to that world of his...maybe. But isn't that wonderful, sort of?
I'm also a big fan of his sidekick, Squmonkeracoofrog. One can't get more vague than hybrid sidekicks with questionable appendages. Is it an arm, a leg, or a tail? (Click on the picture for a more readable version.)

Rooster/Rootster

What's the difference between a rooster and a rootster? One little 'T'. But as much as one tries, 'rootster' is not in the Scrabble dictionary, and will not get you a great triple-word score. (I have never met a rootster I didn't like. And look at those beautiful strong legs! Contrary to roosters, which are just annoying, like alarm clocks permanently set to 5.30am.)

First Came the Puggle

You first heard it on the news, when a Beagle was bred with a Pug to make this new kind of dog called the Puggle. Now owned by celebs the world over, a few big names (I promised I wouldn't reveal your names, Meryl Elton Cher) have requested that I find a way to hybrid some unusual animals. What a statement for the red carpet, ya? The first one off the petri dish is the Cowputer. I feel like this animal could also be useful in rural areas, where access to technology is limited. Because, of course, you're usually shovelling poop all day and don't have time for useless things like Blogging.
Still in the gene phase: the Horsetrich.

Look, Paul...

"Look Paul, what a cute thing I found today! It was hopping around next to some hypodermic needles down by the dumps, and I just had to bring it home."
Kids, don't play with pets that foam.

Gall Stones

Simple yet effective, talking secretions. If you're lucky you'll also get to see my version of 'cankles' too, calves which blend into ankles into one seamless mass. Or perhaps the 'sharm', a shoulder and an arm all in one.

If Torino's Not Enough...

I'd like to see Al Roker and Kirstie Alley be the commentators for this Olympic Games.



(Click on the picture to enlarge for a slightly bigger hypothalamus.)

Honey, have you seen my car keys?

This is the first little taste-test of Midnight Shoveler comics. Usually this involves some sort of creature or person with disproportionate elements (this is funny) with an amusing witty phrase (this is very funny). This one is random, but it reminds me of one of my many cousins, who has a penchant for collecting anything to do with mice. Figurines, cards, placemats, mouse-shaped utensils, you name it, she's got it. I used to think that if mice ever infested her home she wouldn't think twice to set them a place at the table. Strangely enough, now I even think of her as looking a bit mousey. You know what they say about pets and their owners- "One day you wake up and your ears are the size of dinner plates."