CIA Wiretapping

In finding out that the US government could be listening in on potential terrorist-linked activity, I thought I might wiretap a section of my hometown's phone calls. I picked up three very valuable snippets.

1. 'Becky looked like a fat cow in school today!'
2. 'I wonder if she got knocked up at that keg party last week.'
3. 'Ethel, are you going to bridge tonight?' (This one is especially suspicious.)

There are terrorists everywhere.

I'm Toast

In the winter, one can always put on another coat, some thermal underwear, or wrap some spaceage foil around themselves to get warmer. In the summertime, in Boston, with the thermometer reading 97 degrees, I cannot remove any more layers without trying to peel off my epidermis. And that never feels good. I have another couple months of this to look forward to. I'm toast.

New Hairproducts

In the spirit of my recent trip to Iceland, where everyone has wacky self-empowering haircuts, here are a couple new hairproducts for the 21st-century generation. You might also look into purchasing 'The Consumer', which has a credit card barcode emblazoned on one's forehead. No worries about fradulent charges, ever again, just swipe your face through the scanner!

Bookish Lion

Hey there, kids, it's Librario Lion, telling you to do your homework and read those books while you're on summer vacation. You can even come to my book readings on Wednesdays at 3, where I'll be reading selections from a couple great children's books. The first one is called Lolita and it's about a cute little girl, (almost your age, sweetheart!) and her grown-up friend. Then we'll be reading a lovely little tale called "Cosmo Magazine" and we'll learn how to make ourselves look nice for all the boys, won't we?
While Midnight Shoveler is away in Iceland and Paris for a week or so, why don't we take some time to dive in to some of my personal favorites, you know, The Satanic Verses, Carrie, The Joy of Sex-- I mean 'socks'! I love polka-dotted socks, don't you?
And maybe, just maybe boys and girls, Midnight will be back in time to read you a bedtime story. Have you ever heard of a funny story called The Shining? No, Sarah, I don't think it will be shiny like your earrings, but aren't they so pretty!

Lots of bits of cutup narcissism

I always have good intentions of making high-quality work. Unless I actually want to make a piece for myself, and then it turns out a completely different way than I thought it might. Mary-Kate and Ashley gave told me that it was time to incorporate sections of all the colors of the rainbow, and stick in little pictures that they liked. The motion would swirl around in a very Van Goghey kind of way. Well, Mary-Kate, all you really got was a giant naked torso, and a small cutout building with a picture of lace next to it. (Ashley never got to see the finished version, she left to go eat something. Finally. Or was that the other twin?)
Where is my brain when I started gluing my little papers down? I think I forgot to take it out of my pants. If only it were self-portraiture. Then I'd be really narcissistic.

Conspiracy Therapist

'You know doc, I don't think my boyfriend likes me anymore. I think he's trying to kill me.'

'You're right. He is trying to kill you. And so is the government. They've been trying to kill you for years. And so are small appliances. They're in on it too, they all are.'

'Oo, you're so good.'

'I can say no more. That will be three hundred dollars.'

(If you'll notice at closer clicking, we've got some portraits of famous conspirators hanging up: Freud, Timothy McVeigh, and the ever-present Michael Moore.)

The Ultimate in Prepster Fashions

'Even though I look like a pinapple, and my collars have used up 2 pounds of spray starch, I still manage to pop pop pop pop it like it's hot!'

Don't you wish you could pull off wearing 7 polos at once? No, neither do I. But I bet the chicks would totally dig me. I better go to the Gap right now.

How My Flu Must Feel

Thank goodness I've beat the flu, 'cause those little buggers can sure trash the place. And they didn't even pay for the snacks they ate from the minibar. Or the chairs they threw into the pool...

(Click on the my exposed torso for a closer look at celebrity viruses.)

Jared Leto + Selma Blair = Placemat

One of the best qualities an actor can have is to be smart enough to turn your back on stardom. These two actors exemplify this quite well, with comments like, 'I scoff in the face of big-budget! I am going to play in my band 'Lots of Black Eyeshadow'.' Or 'Gotcha! You thought I was Neve Campbell, but you're wrong! I was in that movie with the...no, I guess you didn't see that one either.'
In comparison, one of the best things about being a collage artist is to be smart enough to cut up people you find incredibly attractive and weave them together into a placemat, knowing full well that you are probably violating some kind of copyright. I scoff in the face of actual artist's materials like "paint" and "pencils". What would Jared think of me? I wouldn't know, I didn't give him my new phone number after he wouldn't stop calling me.
There comes a point in a famous collage artist's life when the diamond-studded Blackberry just can't hold any more numbers. Wait, those aren't diamonds, they're sequins from Jo-Ann Fabrics. But they are so shiny!

Cow Troubles? Call for help.

One of my first comics. In technicolor, compared to the usual black and white! So when you're ever lost in a field, and don't know where to turn except to the Holstein to your left or the Angus to your right...just look for the telly booth. I'll be waiting on the other end to tell you to scrub off the cowplops from your sneakers before you track poop into the house. Aren't I too kind?
This comic reminds me of the afternoon when I had to chase a pregnant cow through a cornfield. Or was the cow chasing me? This, my friends, is beside the point.

April Showers Bring Communists

This comic is a little hard to decipher, so once you click on it and take a look, let's have a gander, shall we? Well, we all know that April Showers bring May Flowers. Or so the saying goes. But have you heard the joke '...But what do May Flowers Bring? The Pilgrims! HA ha ha ha ha.' (Pee Ess: Not funny. But I digress.)
So if we can assume that Mayflowers bring Pilgrims, let's also assume that Pilgrims bring Imperialism (woo hoo us), and of course, lots and lots of disease (notice the viruses). Imperialism brings with it Americentrism (woo hoo us times 10) and what does Americentrism probably bring eventually? Communists!
This of course, is subject to debate. And I hate debate. Having everyone agree with me, by force if necessary, that's more my style. And that's what makes me an American. Happy May Day!

Mommas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Bloggers

I have been wanting to use this comic for weeks, and finally got around to putting it on here. You knew it was coming sooner or later. And you know what this cowboy computer-user is thinking, don't you? Can't you just picture the quote in your head? Here it comes...
"I wish I knew how to quit you!...
but the readers need me!!!"

God, it feels so good to get that out.

Not the Humps You Were Looking For

I do not claim to have had a real-life experience to back this comic up. Even Britney's not that lumpy. But I had practically this sight today in line at the meat market...of the customer ahead of me, who (foolishly) was buying an enormous pot roast rather than some slimming greens. Sadly the pot roast was smaller than the size of her calf. See the previous post about 'cankles'.

One Night Stand

A favorite topic of Midnight Shoveler...bedroom furniture. I thought, what would Ryan say to the children (and to Reese!) if I drew his naked torso curled up in my bed, a snapshot of Friday night? Probably something like 'I was auditioning'. Or 'I was a little late doing my taxes'. And somehow he could pull it off, and he'd go about his business as usual. For the record, Rayray's a great spooner. And a total gentleman when it comes to not hogging the blankets.
But I digress. I chose to draw my cartoon self in bed to make the humorous illusion to grammatical entendre. I also thought I could draw a 'heartbreaker' and then a doctor literally ripping someone's heart apart on the operating table, but that doesn't have anything to do with sexy furniture at all, now does it?

Scarlett Johannson

There comes a time in many artist's lives when the beauty of the world just might get a bit overwhelming. How can I possibly go outside without stopping to tell each and every passerby that they are beautiful in their own, special way? Thank goodness there are people like Scarlett around to remind me that most people in the world are incredibly ugly in comparison. This collage is a tribute to the timeless, effortless gorgeousness of celebrity starlets. Oh, to be contorted, photographed and antiqued, and still look like majolica*. That's my motto every morning, before I eat my Frosted Flakes.


*Italian porcelain, famous during the Renaissance. Brittle in the kiln but sturdy survivors! That's your art historical tidbit of the day. Shovel it up.

Fine-Toothed Comb

When you've scoured the house for those missing pair of eyeglasses, it's time to break out the fine-toothed comb. And then you realize, ha ha! The glasses are on top of your head.
Not! That's actually not how it usually goes. Midnight Shoveler usually hunts around for several days and then in anguish, gives up to the comforts of a hot cocoa with some Bailey's. Okay, most of the cup is Bailey's and I sprinkle some cocoa in there for effect. But magically, as I reach for the whipped cream, I find my eyeglasses in the refridgerator. The milk carton, in trade, has been hanging out on the nightstand. Exactly where I put it.

Gay Neutron Quarrels and Lazy Cells

What better way to cheer up a cranky night than a little fun with biological and subatomic humor. These comics came at a time I was taking a class (no joke) entitled 'The Subatomic Zoo'. I think to myself, no matter how stressful life can be, with its finances, makeups and breakups, and endless decisions on what to wear, at least I'm not a neutron. Now there is an underappreciated job if I ever saw one. Oh, to the lovely neutron, I say: you carry half the world's weight on your shoulders, and we never even know you are there. And to the cells in my body, I say: please behave yourselves. If you're antsy, I've got some beers in the fridge.

No You Di-int.

Yes, fans, I sometimes listen to trashy music. Most of the time you'll find Midnight Shoveler with his ears turned to the Beethovens, the Rachmaninovs of today's generation, but from time to time I pump up the jams. This comic is a tribute to the Black Eyed Peas. I devised some alternate uses of the popular phrase 'my humps' for your viewing pleasure. And it's even G-rated, who would have thought. Click on the picture for some larger humps.

Look, Paul...

"Look Paul, what a cute thing I found today! It was hopping around next to some hypodermic needles down by the dumps, and I just had to bring it home."
Kids, don't play with pets that foam.

Avoiding Sniper Fire

Memo from The White House: It's late 2001 and Washington, DC is under some stress. I (Prez Bush) just issued my fun little 'Orange Alert' system (Green means go have fun! Red means hiker down with bottled water and baked beans) and now there's a sniper on the loose in the city. I think I'll send a news report to the BBC, where Midnight Shoveler is watching the telly, and let him know how to avoid any violence in Trafalgar Square. It's simple, fast, and fun! The whole family can avoid sniper fire together! When you walk across a large, open area, simply walk in a zigzag line, from side to side. See illustration at right for step-by-step. Think 'weave and bob, weave and bob'. You'll be at your tea in no time, and scary grandparents with rifles will miss you every time. Sure, you might be judged as a bit loony, and sent to the psychiatric ward, but it's safe there, isn't it?