Bookish Lion

Hey there, kids, it's Librario Lion, telling you to do your homework and read those books while you're on summer vacation. You can even come to my book readings on Wednesdays at 3, where I'll be reading selections from a couple great children's books. The first one is called Lolita and it's about a cute little girl, (almost your age, sweetheart!) and her grown-up friend. Then we'll be reading a lovely little tale called "Cosmo Magazine" and we'll learn how to make ourselves look nice for all the boys, won't we?
While Midnight Shoveler is away in Iceland and Paris for a week or so, why don't we take some time to dive in to some of my personal favorites, you know, The Satanic Verses, Carrie, The Joy of Sex-- I mean 'socks'! I love polka-dotted socks, don't you?
And maybe, just maybe boys and girls, Midnight will be back in time to read you a bedtime story. Have you ever heard of a funny story called The Shining? No, Sarah, I don't think it will be shiny like your earrings, but aren't they so pretty!

Lots of bits of cutup narcissism

I always have good intentions of making high-quality work. Unless I actually want to make a piece for myself, and then it turns out a completely different way than I thought it might. Mary-Kate and Ashley gave told me that it was time to incorporate sections of all the colors of the rainbow, and stick in little pictures that they liked. The motion would swirl around in a very Van Goghey kind of way. Well, Mary-Kate, all you really got was a giant naked torso, and a small cutout building with a picture of lace next to it. (Ashley never got to see the finished version, she left to go eat something. Finally. Or was that the other twin?)
Where is my brain when I started gluing my little papers down? I think I forgot to take it out of my pants. If only it were self-portraiture. Then I'd be really narcissistic.

Conspiracy Therapist

'You know doc, I don't think my boyfriend likes me anymore. I think he's trying to kill me.'

'You're right. He is trying to kill you. And so is the government. They've been trying to kill you for years. And so are small appliances. They're in on it too, they all are.'

'Oo, you're so good.'

'I can say no more. That will be three hundred dollars.'

(If you'll notice at closer clicking, we've got some portraits of famous conspirators hanging up: Freud, Timothy McVeigh, and the ever-present Michael Moore.)

The Ultimate in Prepster Fashions

'Even though I look like a pinapple, and my collars have used up 2 pounds of spray starch, I still manage to pop pop pop pop it like it's hot!'

Don't you wish you could pull off wearing 7 polos at once? No, neither do I. But I bet the chicks would totally dig me. I better go to the Gap right now.

How My Flu Must Feel

Thank goodness I've beat the flu, 'cause those little buggers can sure trash the place. And they didn't even pay for the snacks they ate from the minibar. Or the chairs they threw into the pool...

(Click on the my exposed torso for a closer look at celebrity viruses.)

Jared Leto + Selma Blair = Placemat

One of the best qualities an actor can have is to be smart enough to turn your back on stardom. These two actors exemplify this quite well, with comments like, 'I scoff in the face of big-budget! I am going to play in my band 'Lots of Black Eyeshadow'.' Or 'Gotcha! You thought I was Neve Campbell, but you're wrong! I was in that movie with the...no, I guess you didn't see that one either.'
In comparison, one of the best things about being a collage artist is to be smart enough to cut up people you find incredibly attractive and weave them together into a placemat, knowing full well that you are probably violating some kind of copyright. I scoff in the face of actual artist's materials like "paint" and "pencils". What would Jared think of me? I wouldn't know, I didn't give him my new phone number after he wouldn't stop calling me.
There comes a point in a famous collage artist's life when the diamond-studded Blackberry just can't hold any more numbers. Wait, those aren't diamonds, they're sequins from Jo-Ann Fabrics. But they are so shiny!

Cow Troubles? Call for help.

One of my first comics. In technicolor, compared to the usual black and white! So when you're ever lost in a field, and don't know where to turn except to the Holstein to your left or the Angus to your right...just look for the telly booth. I'll be waiting on the other end to tell you to scrub off the cowplops from your sneakers before you track poop into the house. Aren't I too kind?
This comic reminds me of the afternoon when I had to chase a pregnant cow through a cornfield. Or was the cow chasing me? This, my friends, is beside the point.